Όταν γράφω επεξεργάζομαι.
Την συμπεριφορά μου, τη δράση και αντίδραση.
Αξιολογώ καταστάσεις και βρίσκω θέσεις σε πράγματα που είναι μέσα στο κεφάλι μου.
Πραγματιστής. Ρεαλιστής.
Κανείς δεν μπορεί να σε κατηγορήσει.
Ιδεαλίστρια. Ρομαντική.
Κανείς δεν μπορεί να με κατηγορήσει.
Άραγε υπάρχει δρόμος για εμάς τις ρομαντικές ψυχές ή θα συνεχίσουμε να ζούμε στον κόσμο μας;
Μου είπε ένας φίλος, "Κατερίνα, πρέπει να συντονιστείς λίγο με τον κόσμο".
Μα είναι τόσο όμορφος ο δικός μου κόσμος!
Είναι τόσο όμορφα τα όνειρα, τα ιδανικά,
κι ας είναι από τον χρόνο δανεικά.
Τελικά ο πόλεμος δεν είναι έξω, είναι μέσα μου πρώτιστα.
Κι είναι δύσκολος ο πούστης όταν μπερδεύεται ο έρωτας μέσα του.
Τα λέει η Jill Barber καλά.
"Oh, but I am just a dreamer wearing sensible shoes
And I still dream in colour even though I sing the blues
And I want to be like lovers in an old romantic song
Where the music fades away before the love it can go wrong"
Έτσι κι εγώ. Πρώτη χαραμάδα, πληγώνει και συνεχίζει ακάθεκτη.
The time between mid September and end of October is full of work, couscous salads and interesting evenings.
Music, theatre, poetry and "Black mirror".
Keeping myself busy until the days of escape and relax.
Beautiful night London provides the best opportunities for amazing evenings.
I saw Coco and the Fellas on a Sunday evening and danced like crazy with some lunatic actors.
A long walk in Putney Heath or Central London, interesting discussions on human, God and interpersonal relations keep my mind going.
I lay down in the evenings imagining that moment at the station and comparing it with the moment of short awkwardness of the 4 hands ("τόση αμηχανία για τέσσερα χέρια"). Let this be beautiful again, like your face in the black and white pictures you send me.
Two great weirds.
I will count my years in Novembers.
It is not because of my name day, neither because of the falling leaves as the end of an era.
There is a mystical quality in this month for me, as if, when my parents concieved me in Kalavrita, November 1985, a circle started and always gets updated every November.
And this year's update has been pretty amazing, I must say.
This November started in beautiful autumny Austria with long strolls in cities, parks and museums. A dream-like atmosphere and intense bonding moments.
I couldn't imagine such greatness and fullfillment and yet it came to me.
A couple of break days in London and busy preparations for conference followed.
A conference participation that I hadn't anticipated and was least ready to go, as I was expecting to be at a fellowship interview.
But all went well, as long as I lowered my expectations of what I would present.
At the same time, given the lost chance of the fellowship, I was offered a position I couldn't turn down.
Senior post doc; I suppose it's just a title to make me feel better, it could show a bit in the income, but no tremendous changes from where I am now in this respect.
The changes, which I consider an upgrade, are the toys I would be allowed to play with, so many methods available in the MPI! And, of course, the PI, an established professor in the field.
I am as happy as I could be landing my foot in JFK and reading the email with the offer.
I go to the conference with an air of success and determination about the quality of my work.
RE-CO-GNI-TION. Α-ΝΑ-ΓΝΩ-ΡΙ-ΣΗ. This is what I told my family and friends.
At the same time, I had an invitation for a lecture in my old department in Athens, where I did my undergrads in Linguistics. It is amazing how things turn out. I am so happy to be coming back after a couple of years of hard work abroad. Even if it's just for a short contribution.
The new tomorrow, I am looking forward to.
But first! I'm gonna have a wee (thank you Amanda, for this association). No, I meant I need to wrap up the work at Imperial. Analysis and writing up. I'll give my best and let go after.
Η ζωή τρέχει με υπερ-ρυθμούς.
Αυτές τις μέρες έφυγε ένα άγχος αλλά δεν γίνεται να φύγει τελείως όλο το άγχος.
Το ΣΚ που πέρασε έκανα 3 πράγματα ταυτόχρονα: έγραφα αίτηση για πρότζεκτ, φιλοξενούσα μια φίλη και οργάνωνα ένα workshop χορού στην Ελβετία.
Παραλίγο να τα φτύσω τελείως.
Αλλά τουλάχιστον με κάλεσαν να διδάξω στο workshop! Και ιδιαίτερα τα μαθήματα που επιθυμούσα, με παιδάκια, και δημιουργικό χορό!
Κατέθεσα και την αίτηση στην ώρα της. Δεν κοιμήθηκα και πολύ αλλά όλα πήγαν καλά τελικά.
Ευτυχώς η φίλη μου είχε πολλή κατανόηση.
Θέλω να τα γράψω, να τα καταγράψω, να τα θυμάμαι να μην τα ξανακάνω.
Πολλή κούραση.
Ah, MMM summer school.
Every year, new experiences, new people, new feelings.
This year was the Children experience.
I did my chrildren's grades I-III and enjoyed them very much.
It was fascinating to see how Chantal and Sarah taught not only exercises but also lessons for life.
Teaching the awareness of the environment, the society, the history, all through movement and all in one class.
What a treat for the children.
I want to offer that treat, moi aussi.
Όταν σε κοιτάζω δεν ξέρω τι θέλω, μοιάζει με εικόνα παγωμένη από έργο, όλα σταματούν κι όλα τρέχουν συγχρόνως, ποιος μπορεί να πει τι είναι ο χρόνος; Όσο σε μαθαίνω χάνω τις λέξεις, γίνομαι ένα σώμα με χίλιες ορέξεις, τόσα ραντεβού σε μια καφετέρια, τόση αμηχανία για τέσσερα χέρια.
Και με την ίδια μουσική για υπόβαθρο, θέλω να πω:
Κάθε νύχτα
με μια φωτογραφία
Μπλε μάτια
για καληνύχτα
Κάθε πρωί
με μια φωτογραφία
Μπλε μάτια
για καλημέρα
Θέλω χρόνο,
μαζί σου
Και χώρο,
μαζί σου
Μόνο μαζί σου.
Όλα μέσα μου έχουν μπει σε παύση μέχρι το Σεπτέμβριο, περιμένω αναπολώντας την αμηχανία των χεριών.
It's been so long since last time I captured some time in writing.
I don't want to write and report everything, but I do want to document my strongest emotional experiences.
A little boy took my hand and helped me pull my suitcase. It was in a street in northern Germany. His father ran and held his other hand, making sure we crossed the street safely. The little boy was 1,5 years old and he was most probably the reason why I stopped receiving birthday wishes from his father for the last 1,5 years. I knew something had changed, but I hadn't put everything together. The little boy was my first love's son. And he liked me. And he was a miniature of him. And he ripped my heart off, by taking my hand, helping me, sharing my ice-cream and showing me his skills on climbing. I just realised what I might be needing in my life, the unconditional love of a child. It's not that he would have made me happier than I am. I don't regret anything, I would have left at some point anyway. We are now miles apart in mind and soul. But the bond of someone having loved you so much and having loved them back is so hopeful, gives me courage and strength. She was a sweetheart as well, the mother of the little one and wife of the older one. They looked so happy. It felt to me that he was born to be a dad, to care about others and especially his child. He is a remarkable person and I feel lucky to have been loved and have loved him. We didn't do anything wrong. We just weren't meant for each other.
Like a scene from a movie this experience kept my head and heart busy for two days. But this feeling was too little compared to the pure pain I felt and still feel after Saturday, the 3rd of June.
"Grandma left." This is what my mother wrote in WhatsApp. "Don't you worry." Insane. How can she just write this. I assume it was her shock and her need to communicate it and get it out of her as soon as possible. "A part of me died." I told my friends. And I am wondering how can a part of me die and I can still be alive to feel the pain? I try to hold on to the sweetest of memories. Even her stubborness feels sweet and I miss it now. How can she be there one day, standing, smiling, encouraging me, and the next day mom says she's gone. I didn't recognise her at the funeral. That body's face was empty, my grandma's face was always glowing when she saw me. I still am nor sure where she's gone, since what we burried that day, I cannot believe it was her. I couldn't touch her, I didn't want to feel she was cold. I just touched her fluffy haid and put my head on her new wooden bed for 2 seconds. My head was so heavy, it still is, it feels like it's going to blow when I think of her. Although I may be recovering very slowly, I still am so sad. How can I recover from my own death? I don't want to be reborn, I want to share with her my successes, my failures. I wish I could have said goodbye. I didn't know it the last time she kissed me that it would be the last time. I need time. Time with friends, time alone, time to work, time to dance, time to process and reflect. I cannot move on so fast, my world needs to slow down.
And writing this down helped me, even though it was painful. I have reached yet another catharsis.
Χθες το βράδυ.
Δεν θυμάμαι γιατί, δε θυμάμαι τι σκεφτόμουν όταν αποκοιμήθηκα.
Αλλά ήρθε επίσκεψη η γλυκιά σου η φωνή, το νησί μέσα στον ωκεανό της θλίψης.
Από τότε.
Ξανασκέφτομαι τα ίδια μονοπάτια.
Προχωράω με δάκρυα στα μάτια.
Προχωράω.
Προχωράς κι εσύ.
Κι η ζωή θα δείξει ποιός θα βρει ποιόν.
Και πόσες διαδρομές θα ακολουθήσουμε αναζητώντας ο ένας τον άλλο.
Και όλα αυτά γιατί κάποιος μου είπε ότι είμαι σκληρή.
Πώς να μην γίνω.
Πες μου πώς να μην γίνω σκληρή μετά από τόσα χρόνια.
What is home, I realised again.
Arriving in Brixton after long hours of travelling, first greeted by beggars at the tube station.
The
feeling you know you are at home is when you first smile when you
arrive on a Thursday evening and you hear the trumpet solo outside the
legendary local pub.
Cold was shaving any part of my skin exposed to the air.
Got inside the house and it seemed even colder than outside.
I am feeling well. At ease.
Home is the place you can exist and when you go out of the house you feel you own the place and the place owns you.
When you long to go to the butchers to buy meat and wish happy new year.
When you go to the clothes shop, the owner remembers you and says: "Tme flies, where have you been?"
When
you come back and feel inspired for another positive post, despite your
low heamatocrit and vitamin d defficiency. Depression can kiss my ass
today.
So, there you go, any place can become your home and it's up to you.
I am a dreamer and so much is possible.
Looking forward to the new adventures of 2017.
Truthfully and with all my brains and heart.
P.S.
When I was on vcation, I had started writing a post about how I feel
like a double agent, don't know what to call home and my needs are
different depending on where I am. But, as I realised, I do have the
same needs anywhere, it's just the independence and the freedom to
choose my own path that makes me feel more myself.
