But this October was different. Being at the phase where I don't know what's awaiting me after the PhD and longing for finishing even though the chaos was supposed to follow. October 1st found me in south Crete enjoying tasty milkshakes for breakfast and the warm calm sea all day. Mom was happy playing board games with me, she didn't need anything else. But I couldn't rest. My mind was working on the new proposal and on the next papers. Then I was sad and glad to leave, you know this awkward feeling of leaving the beloved ones behind but also longing to go back to your creative life and especially work.
Back home I finished the new proposal and sent it for evaluation. Then conference one Marburg, conference two Chicago. Job offer! Eyes and heart opened to new possibilities. Then back home. A man for a day. Janosh was a revelation. Smart and handsome, but so unhappy. Why did I pick him? I did like him. "Don't you wanna be happy?", asked Diane. And it hit me. Don't I want to be happy? Maybe that's why I always pick the wrong guys or discard the right ones. But that will be the topic of another post, when I will have worked that out.
After that workshop, the results of the evaluation came out and I had to defend my project proposal. I was surprisingly calm and confident that this project makes absolute sense. I'm not sure what happened to me this October. A new, scientifically confident me arose. I am kind of proud and afraid of myself at the same time. I don't want to grow my ego to the sky. But sometimes I feel I'm on fire. I can answer questions and talk about topics, review papers and theses. I guess this is the start of feeling like an academic.
Anyway let's get back to the October timeline. The (felt) longest trip to Adelaide followed. With Maria and 17K sleeping beauty. And then in Adelaide, driving uphill to the uni the first morning, gathering shells at the beach the next day. So this October ended at the beach, just as it started. A different beach at the other side of the world and with different background feelings. The insecurity has been replaced by confidence and the closed eyes to the sun are now open and brave to embrace it. Not that I would see so much sun in London, but you know how I mean it.
So, looking back, this October was not the usual weird month between the end of summer and the preparation for Christmas. It was absolutely dazzling! Hail to October 2015! May there be more of those!
