I came to some insights.
It's this thin and fusy border between braveness and masochism that keeps confusing me.
"Strong like me!" would Clayton say about me.
I would say yeah, yest strong like me and kind of careless like me.
Strong, I can take it. So let's hit and be hit.
And just a bit of sufferring is good, makes me feel alive.
Else, life is too boring.
In any case, the underlying principle (apart from being bored) is the least possible restriction of my freedom to express myself and live my life as I want. (oh, so much I, me, my and myself in one sentence..)
At the same time it is difficult to combine it with my need for warthm and cosyness.
I miss my friends. They would be a big hug and a shoulder to fall asleep on.
Then no unnecessary bonding would happen. Or maybe not.
But I cannot test it anyway, so no point in thinking about it.
My brother told me recently that a good practice is, when you talk to others, to try to forget what you want from them. I tried it yesterday and it was so liberating. But it is more difficult with the ones you want more of. I will keep trying though, cause it is most probably liberating for the other person, too. You would not impose any type of underlying pressure. And freedom is precious.
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